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More Degrees than a Thermometer, Who Knew She Wanted to Die

Why do I feel this way? I just feel like dying. Should I shoot myself, stab myself in the heart? How should I do it? I get so sad. I feel so lonely. I shut everybody out. No wonder, I have no friends. I cry waterfalls most days if not externally, internally there’s a monsoon. I don’t do it because I imagine the people who care for me, especially my mom. If I did it, she would be devastated. Other people will care too but my mom would be destroyed. I don’t want to do that to her. I’ve never written anything so real and so raw. I am so overwhelmed with the world. I don’t fit. I don’t know how to fit. I am so sad. The world works in contradiction to my strong emotions. If only I knew, I would have married long ago. Silly old me waiting for the stuff I see in movies. True love. I guess it really is just a fantasy. One I thrived to get. But I’m getting old, 34. Still not married, no prospects or kids. Some may say it’s young but not for child rearing, especially for someone like me who has an autoimmune illness.

Maybe it’s best I have no kids. No one to pass this miserable existence to. I thrive to be a recluse but desire a real friend. I don’t know what to do with myself. I beg for some guidance. Lord please help me. If not for my sake, my family’s. How do I take away the pain? I can indulge but it just masks it, not end it. I want it to end. I am filled with so much emotion. Too much to bare. I can’t go on living like this for much longer. How many tears can I cry? I hear it relieves toxins, but if that were the case my body would be purified by now. My inner self is so deep. Such intense feelings. I’m just realizing the world is not as intense. I’ve always known I was different, but I didn’t know my feelings were so much stronger than others. Something that isn’t a big deal to others is a catastrophe for me. Growing up, people always commented with how enraged I would become at matters that were not a big deal to other people. I would be told to relax. Relax, how do you do that with an inner self that’s always on fire? I’m always ready. Innate, fight or flight response.

Real Talk

Update: Fast forward almost ten years....I now have two beautiful children and have a handle on my illness. Some days are harder than others, but I no longer feel like dying. Thank God.

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