“Oh Arlene, You’ll Be Okay”

Oh what I would give to be happy, to feel happy, and to smile again. Happiness how is it defined? What does it feel like, smell like, taste like? With no more breath there’s no more feelings. I have to remind myself if I’m not breathing, I’m not living, but happiness is more than breathing. It’s living, it’s feeling loved, it’s family, and it’s friends. Oh what I would give to be happy, to be normal. Can I be something I’m not? My mother tells me, “Oh Arlene, you’ll be okay.”

The way I am is normal for me, so my mama says. My sullen face, my big sad eyes, my fighting spirit and sharp tongue…I can’t change me. Can I? Can I be something that I’m not? To be normal and not have my mind race 100 mph, be oblivious to the blunders of life—can I just miss a beat? Do I want to? I just want to normalize, to smile, to find love, erase the tears and emptiness, and loneliness. I’ve shut everyone out. I don’t even know where to begin.

Should I talk to myself daily, look in the mirror, smile and say today is going to be a good day! A smile is a start. I hear I have a beautiful one, but it’s hidden many days. I have to smile more. Maybe if I smile, I’ll feel happy. I’ll try it. Tell myself I have things to be grateful for—family love, employment, I’m alive, but I’m missing my love. My true companion. I dream of a love so deep, so real, so honest, so loyal, so fruitful. Happily ever after like the movies, my partner in life, My Clyde, My Ride or Die. Then maybe it will widen my smile, Oh what I would do to be happy. My mother tells me, “Oh Arlene, You’ll Be Okay.”

Real Talk